Everything is More Difficult with Mittens On

I ran even though I didn’t need to run. I would make the next train, but I wanted on this one, so I ran. The train was approaching, the whistles were blowing, and the lights were flashing. I was going to make it. I would rush through the door, collapse into a seat and have accomplished something for the day.
That’s not how it worked out. I raced across the tracks and as I did so, the strap on my old school Red Cross medic bag snapped. With the snap of that strap my fate was decided. My bag hung limp at my side, and my dreams for the day were crushed. So, sadden by the fact that my beloved bag was broken, I walked back to my car.
It was a cold gray day. When I reached my office, it was pouring rain outside. Pouring isn’t quite right, the sky was pelting pedestrians with droplets of icy pain. As the rain splashed on my windshield, I laughed out loud, thanking God that He had planned the details of my morning so I would be sheltered when the rain hit.
Even though this isn’t the stuff of miracles, it was important to me. It illustrated something God has taught me lately. And not just lately, I think He’s been teaching me this lesson for the whole of my Christian life: TRUST HIM.
Trusting God is the crux of the entire Christian faith. I trust Him with my salvation. I trust Him for forgiveness of my sins. I trust Him for my everyday providence. I trust Him with my future and I trust Him with my heart.
Trusting Him with my heart sounds easy, but has proven to be complicated beyond measure. Trusting God with my heart means that He has possession of it. I do not. But it’s my heart, right? No, it’s not. I gave my heart to Jesus.
If my heart is God’s to with as He wishes, it means that He is in control of my heart. But giving God control of my heart cannot happen in one prayer, or one pronouncement of faith. There are certain areas where it’s easy to give God control. He can have my future because I don’t know what to do with it. He can have my past because I no longer want to be associated with it.
My heart is a different story. To genuinely give God my heart, to take my name off the deed of ownership and put His in its stead, I must understand what’s inside of my heart. My heart is the core of my flesh. For as much as society celebrates the heart as the source for wisdom and truth, mine is not. Mine is full of base selfishness and a longing to gratify my own desires. I've learned that my heart is manipulative. I will say or do one thing which is pleasing on the outside, while on the inside I am scheming to get my own way, leaving God out of the equation.
I’ve always considered myself to be a straight forward person. That is why I was astounded by my own manipulative nature. I know the “rules” of Christianity pretty well and I what’s expected of a “nice Christian girl.” But it I’ve also learned how to work the system.
Lately, I have been desperate for God’s will in a particular area of my life. I gave this precise matter to God and I prayed that His will be done. I begged God to make Himself evident to me so that I would know how to honor and obey Him. Then I waited, and soon I prayed these sentiments again, more fervently and with deeper passion. Only you Lord. Only your will.
God began to work in me. The more I prayed this prayer, the more apparent it became that my actions and even my thoughts were not coinciding with what I was confessing to God. I was telling God everything I wanted Him to know, but my motives and my actions were not corresponding.
I was working the system. I would pray with desperation for God’s will, then act out of my own will, following the rules, but still desiring control over the situation. My prayers seemed like an effort to get God in my side, and with my actions, I was testing the waters to see if I could get what I wanted. That was the problem.
Even though I had spent all this time in earnest prayer, I was not giving God complete control of my heart. I was not allowing Him to take out of my heart the filth and selfish desires which seem to fill it to the brim. I was masking my intentions with truth, like wearing mittens to hide my hands from the cold. I was using God’s protection to my own advantage and hiding the sores that lay underneath. When God finally showed me this, I realized I had behaved this way for years, showing the world and even God one version of myself and at the core still working to achieve my own means.
When I understood that about myself, I was disgusted. I came face to face with the vileness of my own sin. On the outside, my actions would not seem that horrible, but to me they were wretched because I knew that by seeking this control I wasn’t trusting God. By not trusting God, I was sinning against Him. It’s one thing to recognize your own sin, and it’s another to recognize your own hypocrisy.
But I don’t have to stay that way. The most freeing thing in the world, is to not just coming face to face with my sin, but to come face to face with the unfailing grace of my God. His mercy allows me to live my life unfettered, grasping his unconditional love with naked hands.